all the things you hold close are not real.  let go of it all.  nothing is true. everything is a lie.  the only truth you can trust in is with in you.  and even that is fucked up sometimes.  mostly you can never, NEVER trust another.  they never have you or whats best for you in their hearts or their minds.    there is always a catch.  there is always another swipe to be taken.  you are never safe.  you have to watch your back.  they never... NEVER will.  i am never never never going to let my guard down like this again.   once twice three times a stupid fuck.  never again.  I will never again fail my self like this.    the path in front of me is totally fucked.  put its smooth sailing compared to the road behind me.  they have no clue what the fuck they have unleashed.  they choose to do what they want to do and have no care for the damage of their whems... fuck them fuck them all.  I don't care anymore.  I can't.  I have lost all faith in humans  silly fucks......  i'm just going to disapear into the machine.  give up.  gave up.  might as well be dead.  maybe in the next life.  perhaps in a past life.  none of it matters one little bit.  I'm still the loser in this life.  so fuck it.  fuck it all.  take me for granted and use me for your gain.  it seems to be all i'm good for. good at.  being used.  being abused.  leave me a broken shell of who I thought i was..  leave me tattered and torn crumbled on the floor.  toss me out like waste.  leave me be.  i promise to do the same for you.  i promise if you leave that i will never look for you. 

I'm losing, the battle and the war

I'm losing my mind and my soul

I'm losing the will to go on

I'm losing it all!!

For what?

 

I've tried this game

I've tried to make a change

I've tried to be what you needed

I've tried, but not succeeded

Why?

I am here and now

I will never be thene and there

I will be me

 

Honesty I just want to be, I am so sick of answering to the machine.  Always having to answer the call.  Never knowing when the end will come.  Why the fuck would anyone want to put anyone else through this kind of bullshit.  Why in the world would I put up with this.

been stuck in the hole for weeks now...... all alone with no one to talk to.  a mission is at hand. things have to be done.  yet all I can think about is suicide...   maybe the world would be a better place with out me in it.  maybe... just maybe if I can kill one more bad guy I can justify this fucked up existence I call life. Maybe if I just do you the favor and blow my fucking brains out neither one of us would have to face the truth..     Should I jeopardize the mission and lives of my team just to prove a point to you.  Nah....... I'll just live and let that be your fucking punishment. I win Bitch  I WIN